Irony?

Irony: an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.


Irony is a funny thing. I had a good friend tell me a couple of weeks ago that she no longer believed in irony. I tend to use the word irony a lot in my vocabulary without thinking. Especially when something odd or strange happens that coincides with something that happened previously and seems to contradict what I expected. My friend then explained that she believed everything was Providence (of God): foresight, a manifestation of divine care or direction. If anybody should believe this it should probably be me. I have had about a million ironic/providential experiences. I should believe that God is directly involved in EVERYTHING. Yet, that is my struggle right now. Yet whether its irony or providence or a bit of both it continues to happen. I think I am too tired to contemplate providence. My analytical mind wants to UNDERSTAND and not just accept and if I can't understand I become apathetic and don't care because I figure I won't be able to understand it anyway so why bother to think? Granted, this is not the best place to be in life to be but I honestly don't care to receive judgment/correction from anyone either. There are also different perspectives on dreams. Some say they are always either God or satan. Some say its a product of our unconscious desires or fears while some say they are a product of what we watch, eat, or think about throughout the day. I don't know. I know that many times my dreams line up with something that happens..and sometimes they don't. Today has puzzled me and I had to tangibly write it all down because I just don't understand. I had an experience this morning where not 1 but 2 alarms woke me up out of a very realistic dream..a dream not too unlike ones I've had before. I was getting married..everything was rushed...I was yelling for someone to get my dress and I remember I had no one to play the piano and so I put my dress on and proceed down the isle without my dad, he is standing at the front. I walk down not to "Cannon" like i've always wanted but to the wedding march and a very bad version if I do say so myself. We were off center from the front of the Church and so I asked Dad if we could please move over to the right so it wouldn't look retarded in the video. Nothing was going right! I look on the front row and I see this woman holding a baby who is about 2 years old. I knew when I looked at her that was my husband to be's ex-wife and his child. We say our vowels and kiss and its official. Afterwards he tells me something shocking about his child. He says that the ex-wife is not his real mother but he had someone else as either a wife or girl friend and he had just not wanted to tell me. I was extremely angry and Ashlin was too!! I asked Dad if we could undo the whole thing. He explained that we were married. That we vowed before God and we needed to work through the issue! I ran to the back of the church and stared in the mirror at my dress. It was ugly! It was big and had huge puffy sleeves like something out of the 80's. As I'm staring, reality clashes with dream world as my two alarms go off...One loud beeping one and Jars of Clay "Only Alive" I was disturbed and could barely get ready but after about 45 minutes was able to carry on as normal. Throughout the day I had totally forgotten the dream and sat down with Elyse for lunch. Now let me back up a few days...When I was on Spring Break I had a dream that I was eating and talking with this guy from school. I laughed when I woke up because I thought number one that will never happen and I thought it was "ironic" because in my daily thought life my thoughts were on another guy, one who is actually possibly attainable..atleast as a friend. Yet at least twice over spring break I dreamt of this one guy (lets call him the impossible one). I counted the dreams as "ironic" and went on. Well today at lunch I'm just sitting there with elyse and he comes and sits down with us. My mouth literally fell open. Elyse bursts into laughter. It was weird because all of his friends were at the other table and trust me when I say he does't normally do odd things like this. Immediately I am in shock but mad. I look at elyse and quietly say "God is punishing me." That may sound weird to you but that is how I thought about it. I have done nothing but doubt doubt doubt and I had no idea why God would put this guy right beside me who NEVER sits at a girl table alone and who would never even pursue a friendship with me (or so I think). I was like this is IRONIC (that was my first thought). I have not seen or talked to him in weeks and he doesn't normally sit with our table when we have a bunch of people much less with just elyse and I. Of course my mind is going crazy thinking WHY? and then I remember that I'm not going to be able to figure it out and try not to care. Part of me wants to believe its providence part of my wants to believe its just irony but no part of me can say its just coincidence. Too many things have happened before this event. It just completely threw me off and my reasoning! I'm usually a good predictor of behavior. I can tell when someone cares that I am in the room and when they don't, when they want to be my friend and when they don't. So I have nothing insightful to say about this story other than it can't be a coincidence. I don't know that its providence either but something is happening. I just wish I knew what that was. I wish I cared and I wish I didn't. I wish that I didn't just want something tangible. I wish I believed. I am completely at a place where I want to know for myself. I am tired of everything being handed to me from other "good" people. I just want something I can trust and know for myself. That is all and It doesn't hurt my feelings if no one actually read this..I tend to be wordy and spastic in my writing!